This is the Novella of my Life - WLS Journey Community Forums [Weight Loss Surgery Support]

aponee · 06-16-2010, 10:28 PM

Please forgive me in advance, I'm not very good at succinct, especially at times like this when I'm on a bi-polar upswing LOL.

My mother was a teen mother, married and divorced from my biological sperm donor before I was even born. She, literally, left me on my grandmothers porch steps when I was 9 months old so she could run off and party. While there was some custody tug-o-war between my grandmother and mother over the years, I was mostly raised by my grandmother. That was a blessing and a curse, as it turns out. My grandmother grew up in France, during WWII, her home was occupied by German soldiers, and food was scarce. The family could be punished if they were caught picking apples from their own apple tree, and they often had to secretly scavenge the soldiers trash for food remnants to feed the family of 9 children. After the war, she became a chef and food became a celebration. I was raised to enjoy food, week night dinner was an event, week end breakfasts were lavish, and the baking...OH MY! I never had to eat something if I tried it once and didn't like it. My grandmother would actually cook a separate meal for me when the menu was something on my short "don't like" list. All through childhood, until I was married and got pregnant, I was thin despite the fact that I had learned, subconsciously, to equate wanting to taste something yummy with actual hunger.

I had a difficult pregnancy, and was on bed rest much of the time. I did gain extra weight because of the lack of activity and, I'll admit, too much taco bell (my big preggers craving). I was 125lbs before I got pregnant, and I was 175lbs 6 weeks after my son was born. That would have been manageable but at 6 weeks post partum I went forward with birth control implants, the kind that lasted 5 years, and that was a horrible mistake. With in 3 months my weight had skyrocketed to 285lbs. I'm sure it wasn't totally the implant to blame, I still had never learned the art of healthy eating, but my eating habits were the same as they had been before pregnancy. Because of my weight/size my (then) husband became repulsed by me, rednecks in a pick-up truck with antlers on the hood (I was in Georgia at the time) tried to run me down in the grocery store parking lot (only once but that was enough to be traumatizing), and my boss instituted a no shorts policy for all employees because she didn't want me to show leg. After 5 years the birth control implant ran out and I quickly lost 100lbs without any change in diet or activity level. Unfortunately, by then my marriage was over, my job was gone, and my self esteem was badly bruised. I still thought of food in the same way as I had growing up and no one told me it was wrong or unhealthy. It wasn't until I recognized that my 11 year old son confused wanting to eat with being hungry that I realized that my relationship with food was severely flawed. I still didn't know what to do about it and attempts at popular dieting left me feeling horribly deprived and very much a failure.

I spent several years hovering at 175lbs and then 7 years ago I started getting sick. Doctors first dismissed it as being in my head, or being a side effect of depression and anxiety meds. When I gained 10lbs between doctors visits and started having sudden bouts of extreme swelling my doctor told me I wasn't sick, I was just getting fat. I continued to go see doctors with a variety of complaints and, according to them, when it wasn't all in my head, it was all about weight. When I noticed a pattern of wildly fluctuating thyroid levels I brought it to several doctors attention, along with the fact that thyroid disease is common in my family. I was dismissed and eventually I ran out of insurance and desire to get better. I quit seeking medical care and lay at home growing larger and sicker and more hopeless. Had my husband not pushed me to see a doctor last year I would probably be dead today. I had been suffering from undiagnosed and untreated T2 Diabetes and Hypothyroidism. The Diabetes had progressed to the point that I already had neuropathy of the feet by the time I was diagnosed.

A year later, after changing doctors 2 more times (I have trust issues with doctors) I was referred for bariatric surgery. I was unable to travel to the recommended surgeon so I opted for a Bariatric Center of Excellence close to home, which irritated my doctor since she wanted to be "in on it" and get it done within 6 weeks. I went through the process up to the 1st psych eval, and then I had to stop the process because everything started falling apart. I was having trouble transitioning to 3 meals a day after having had great success controlling my hunger and blood sugars on a 6 30 carb meals a day. I had completely given up soda (which was harder than quitting smoking

) and switched to crystal light, but my doctor was unhappy with that change, she said it wasn't enough, even though the nutritionist had applauded it. Then I realized that, while my husband is the best cheerleader

EVER, he isn't prepared to make the changes needed to be a positive support through the process due to his own issues with addiction and food. I don't have the kind of family that I can count on, and my son is young, far away, and about to join the military. I'm all I have and right now I'm not strong enough to do it alone.

I have since switched primary doctors, again, but sadly, that only makes me look difficult and non-compliant, an impression I will have to work hard to dispel. I am about to start DBT, and hopefully, that will give me the tools I need to stop letting things I have no control over sabotage me. I will revisit the surgery idea again in 26 or so weeks. I'm a little scared that I won't last that long, but, that's probably just anxiety talking. And now I'm done with my novel. I hope I didn't bore y'all too much.